So I’ve been taking antidepressants for a month now and I’ve seen a therapist three times in that time. Naturally all my problems aren’t solved yet, but I do seem to be more hopeful than I was before. I feel like the antidepressants help to stabilize my mood, as I haven’t felt incredibly low in a month. Sometimes I even feel happy and enthusiastic for some time, which is something I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I also feel less anxious a lot of the time, which is probably not only thanks to the antidepressants but also thanks to staying sober. Anyway, I have been trying to take advantage of my overall decreased anxiety by getting out of my comfort zone more, for example by driving a lot more. However, the beliefs I hold about myself that are at the core of my social anxiety can’t be changed by antidepressants alone, so I haven’t been able to make a lot of progress on that front. I feel like we’ve only just scratched the surface in therapy, but I always feel better about myself after a session. Last week we had a long conversation about my job interview anxiety and it felt good to articulate my fears and get it off my chest. She really put me at ease and job interviews don’t seem so incredibly daunting anymore. However, she seems to want to take it really slow, and doesn’t want me to tackle my job interview anxiety right away. She wants me to gradually work towards it as it’s on top of the list of my anxiety-inducing situations.
First I have to work on my depression, and she gave me the task of writing down in what exact situations I have which depressive thoughts, what my emotional responses are to those thoughts and how these thoughts influence my behaviour. As usual I have procrastinated on this task. I feel like it’s harder for me to analyze my depressive thoughts than it is to analyze my anxious thoughts. I know I’m scared of most social situations because I think people will judge me negatively, which causes me to feel extremely anxious and most of the time avoid the situation. But with my depression, I think it’s just a general belief of my life and life in general being pointless, which makes me a nihilist I guess. I think it’s an inevitable consequence of being an atheist and I don’t see how I can change these beliefs without having to believe in some kind of god, which I feel would just be fooling myself. I don’t want to insult anyone’s religious beliefs. In fact I envy the people who truly believe there is a God. However, to me it just rationally does not make sense and I don’t see the point in tricking my own mind to believe something exists when I see it as a fact that it doesn’t.
Jesus is just a Spanish boy’s name
How come one man got so much fame?
To any me, it’s pointless to anybody
That doesn’t have faith
Give me the cloth and I’ll wipe my face
When it’s all gone, something carries on
And it’s not morbid at all
Just when nature’s had enough of you
When my blood stops, someone else’s will not
When my head rolls off, someone else’s will turn
And while I’m alive, I’ll make tiny changes to earth
So you can burn me cause we’ll all be the same, the same way
Dirt in someone’s eyes cried down the drain